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Not that long ago I used to be up this late at night with my mind reeling while clutching my cup of vodka and smoking on my porch. Tonight I find my mind reeling too fast for me to keep up and sitting on my porch, smoking, and clutching my cup of hot tea. Being sober just leaves me with just me and my feelings to be dealt with. Whereas before, I “dealt” with my feelings by drinking until I passed out so I wouldn’t have to feel the feelings. As upset as I am, I’m thankful for being able to feel. I’m thankful for the tears that are brought on by things that really, in the grand scheme of things, aren’t that big—-they just feel huge right now. Bigger than me. Bigger than anything I can wrap my brain around. And certainly too big for me to be able to figure out. However it’s not for lack of trying. My boundaries and comfort have been tested to a limit that I didn’t even know was possible until now. And in the wake of every interaction I’m left feeling less than what I am and not good enough for what’s there. All these insecurities really having nothing to do with anyone involved. Just me. So it’s up to me to figure it out. But how do you climb out of a hole when you’re out of rope because that rope is being used on someone else? Find your own rope maybe. I’m confused and don’t know what to do. I want to feel better and just have to wade through this until an answer comes emerging from the heavens like some sort of white knight coming in to scoop me up and save the day. Keep moving that boundary line…it’s not written in stone. Only sand. So it can easily be moved at any given time.
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I’ve been sober for almost a year and a lot of times I feel like I am learning how to do most things in life all over again. It’s really been an amazing (and sometimes difficult and uncomfortable) journey. There’s so many things you do in life under the influence of alcohol or drugs and for me, I feel like I learned how to only do certain things under the influence of alcohol and drugs.
Here’s my “Things I’ve Had to Learn to do Not F*^ked Up” List (in no particular order):
1) Flirt—in the past, I would have 2 (or 10) drinks and be well on my way to flirting the pants off anyone I felt like I wanted to flirt with. Now, I stutter. And I have learned that stuttering is neither flirty nor sexy on most people’s standards. As a sober person, there’s also the keen awareness that you may in fact sound retarded. And even though you sounded more retarded when you were using, you didn’t know it because you were using. Funny how that works.
2) Make friends—in my world, there’s been a lot of bonding that has happened over drinks. You do shots. You get drunk. You share dramatic stories. And if you’re really feeling close to the person, you share your cocaine and then ramble on about things together that make it seem like you are long lost soul mates. Now—I have to depend on just my own vulnerability as a human to make friends. Letting myself be open enough to relate to people (and not hiding behind my stage persona) has been probably the most difficult thing of all so far. But, the good news is that it’s getting easier. It’s feeling more like a warm blanket and less like I’m standing naked in the cold.
3) Have sex—I know right? Seems easy enough…penis goes into the vagina, Bella. The thing is that I couldn’t really achieve 3 without learning the art of 1 and 2. Which leads me to number 4…
4) Feeling—This one has been a doozy. I didn’t realize just how numb I was until I started feeling feelings again. Anger, sadness, anxiety, love, hate…I had NO idea how much of that faucet was turned off for me until I stopped drinking and using. I was the queen of indifference. And I could turn feelings off and on like a light switch (and by light switch I mean a bag of coke). It’s like when you have surgery and the place where they cut is numb because all of the nerves have been severed but over time, the tingle comes back and sometimes you pass your finger over the scar and it feels really strange and then eventually, you get all the feeling back in that spot. When you start feeling again you also have to learn how to do number 5.
5) Coping—So now I have all these feelings and what the hell do I do with them? Well, you learn to cope. You learn that feelings pass and that they won’t kill you. You learn that they make you stronger, a better human being, more compassionate, and sensitive. Now that you can feel, you can be more aware of how others might feel. You learn the things that other things can make you co-exist with the feelings until they pass…like exercise. Or writing. Or watching Chapelle Show episodes. Or running. Or dancing. All these things and more have become my coping methods of choice.
I could probably go on about a few other things but I’ll stop there for now. This year has been amazing in a lot of ways…a new level of self discovery that I have never ever experienced before. Most of the time, I have felt like the teenager I once was. Like a pimple faced 14 year old with kinky red curly hair…underdeveloped for her age…not a lot of friends…and the new kid on the block. But now…more often than not, I feel like that a lot less and more like I’m coming into my own and figuring out who I really am. And that who I really am is so much better than who I was a year ago.
