Because I can

15th August 2011

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Losing A Parent for Dummies Part 4: People Move on Even When You Haven’t

It’s been a year and a half since my mom died and sometimes it still feels like it happened this morning. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about her. I catch myself going to text her and tell her about something the kids did or some cool makeup that I just found at Sephora or which celebrity I spotted somewhere in the Quarter. When I’m alone, I still immediately cry at the very thought of her. It’s involuntary. I wonder if there will ever come a day that I won’t cry and feel this un-fillable empty space in my heart. I was at the mall the other day and saw a woman cross the parking lot who resembled her from a distance. I immediately burst into tears because I did a double take, my heart got excited for about a millisecond, and then reality set in.

As I sit here with my heart in my hands, motherless, and still learning to navigate this life without here, there are people (my father) around me who learn to love again and move on with the greatest of ease. And while I am happy for my father and his new life, getting a picture of his new fiancee’s ring was a little gut wrenching. No one should be alone. He’s no exception. And I think deep down my mom wouldn’t want him to be alone either.

I’d give almost anything for that to be her in the parking lot that day. And hug her and laugh. And introduce her to my boyfriend who she would have loved. And have one last cup of coffee and one last stroll through the mall and one last kiss on the cheek…but all those “last times” would probably really only leave me wanting for more.

I don’t know what moving on looks like for me. Getting a new wife is easier than getting a new mom (which is impossible last time I checked). All I can say is that I miss her painfully so…and that I hope that moving on maybe means missing her and it not hurting quite so bad.

Tagged: deathmommissing