Because I can

16th September 2011

Post with 8 notes

Monogamy didn’t work. So this has to.

It’s been nearly a year since my ventures into ethical sluttery. As I write this even, I sit and wait for a text message back from someone I met today who would like to take me out. There’s always that big question mark of whether or not someone will either run for the hills upon finding out you are madly in love with someone else and have the ability to date/have sex with other people—one of which may just be the person on the other side of the text—or, just stick around and see what happens. My journey through non-monogamy has been filled with struggles. However, whenever I am struggling, I am always faced with the question of “Is this the lifestyle that I really want to live?” And the answer is always yes. The thought of going back to being monogamous would be impossible. It’d be like being sent to prison. It’d be like being forced to go back to 9th grade. It’d be like being forced to gain 15 pounds.

Non-monogamy is f*&king hard and I feel confident enough in my experiences to challenge anyone who would argue with me. The amount of work, trust, communication, communication, communication…did I mention communication?…that goes into it has far surpassed any monogamous relationship I’ve ever been in (and I’ve been in plenty). That’s not to say that monogamy doesn’t work. It just doesn’t work for me.

And I know that some people are probably thinking that there must be some sort of revolving door on my vagina. I wish. In fact, I’ve actually only had sex with 2 people outside of my partner…but not for lack of trying. It’s really been such a challenge. First go-round was with someone who I have been friends with for years and now won’t talk to me. The whole point of living this way (for me) is to essentially be able to sleep with your friends and be completely in love with one or more people. Who better to have sex with? That didn’t work out so well. Second go-round was with someone who I will never see again most likely because he lives on another continent and left me with some yucky feelings of how sex was when I was using and drinking. I’ve gone on numerous dates with little success. Pseudo kisses at best. Last week I sat on the opposite side of someone’s couch who had invited me over and a few days later, I had a guy tell me that hanging out with me was a waste of time because of my “fake” lifestyle (which basically means he’s super pissed because someone else reigns domain over my vagina for the most part and he’d really just be borrowing it for a little while). I’ve tried wooing a few girls of interest here and there. Fail. That was even worse than with the guys I think. And hits the ego a little bit worse because I was the aggressor in those situations. It’s been struggle after struggle for me in attempts to partner with other people. It’s so crazy because when I was drunk—I was awesome at it. I was also really mean and devoid of any true feelings…so, yeah. There’s that. Now—I am so aware of my insecurities and feelings that they practically come out of my pores. They are so in my face and with me 24/7…like a god damn shadow. They won’t let me abandon them and have set up camp and hunkered down for the long haul. They often tell me “Oh no, bitch. We aren’t leaving. And you can’t ignore us because we can talk all night long and keep your ass awake. So you might as well just feel.” We are still learning how to co-habitate.

As I got up this morning, I felt ready to conquer my really busy day and was feeling pretty inspired about a new project I’ll be working on soon. At around 8:30 as I was getting ready for yoga, I got a text that my partner was in the process of getting it on with someone else. Just process that for one minute…..think about how you’d react…what you would feel….

My brain and my heart often have arguments because in actuality—I totally agree with my partner having sex with someone else for lots of reasons but mainly because this is what we do (some couples have a weekly brunch date. We f*&k other people.) but at the same time something that you are ok with has the power to create an anxiety that probably was strong enough to cause a continental rift over in Asia. It’s really insane. And then there’s the work that has to be done afterwards…nursing the insecurities. Wiping the tears. Reconnecting. And realizing that nothing has changed between us.

The majority of my feelings stem from the frustration of not having what my partner has been so successful at. And while it’s not a competition—it’s still very hard to see him repeatedly have success in sleeping with his friends and remaining friends with them…and I don’t. I don’t have anyone that I can wake up and have sex with because I feel like it and then they will will be my friend tomorrow…or the next day…etc. It would be nice. And I have no doubt that I will have that one day. It’s just hard to be patient AND not get lonely and continue to genuinely show your happiness for your partner and not get caught up in your own feelings and hang ups about the situation.

So, in closing, I write all this for no other reason than to just be an open book. Like I always am. I write all this for selfish reasons in just venting. I write all this because this is reality and not fantasy and the reality is that monogamy didn’t work. So…this has to.

The guy who got my number today texted back and isn’t running away…maybe this will be the time where it works out.

Tagged: nonmonogamy neworleans dating ethical slut polyamorous open