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Candlelight Voyeurism →
This is a shoot in a series of shoots of a hot wax concept series. The model is Bella Blue, New Orleans local burlesque super star and her significant other.
Anonymous asked: What do you smell like? Do you have a signature scent or use different things?
Vanilla. It’s the only thing I ever wear. Preferably Warm Vanilla Sugar from Bath and Body Works.
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Anonymous asked: Hello fabulous. Love the current haircut, but seems like you've had it for awhile. What are you thinking of doing with it next?
I’m in the process of growing out the center but keeping the sides shaved still.
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It’s like losing your first love all over again…
My first love came in the form of an older man. I was entirely too young for him and he was entirely too old to be entertaining me. But, there it was. And that’s how it happened. It was my first dose of what I considered to be love and my young heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest when it all came to an end. He left me for a crazy redhead. And that was the end of that.
I went through my fair share of heartbreak since then, just like everyone does. But, there’s nothing that quite stings of that of a first love. It’s a feeling you don’t every forget. For me it’s comparable to the feeling of having first opened my eyes after delivering my first child via caesarian section. I felt like I had been hit by an 18 wheeler—but only in my stomach. Everytime I laughed, it felt like knives were shooting into my belly. When the child would have a tantrum, he had this innate way of knowing how to kick me in the incision. Ha! I will never forget that pain. Just like I knew I would never forget the pain left in the wake of being left by my first love.
Fast forward many years later in August of 2012. A sober, pansexual, polyamorous 30 year old mother of two with a primary partner who is a male—that’s me. A performer for a living, Busy as fuck. And really having struggled over the last 2 years with dating, men and women alike. With females, it was more just a sexual thing. We “did stuff” to each other. I never had really thought I was built for full on female relationships. I always just thought I was meant to be the visiting 3rd, or the dependable girl hook up for my mostly straight friends, or just a fun romp for a few other friends here and there. I certainly wasn’t looking for a relationship outside of my primary at this time in my life and never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be a woman. And then, the universe totally through me for a loop. I was backstage getting ready for a show with a local drag group that I was guest performing with and in walked a beautiful boyish girl with spiky hair, a beautiful smile, and really toned arms. She flirted with me immediately from the moment she walked in the room and I was so taken aback by her brazen behavior that I lost my domineering presence long enough to start stuttering on my words and fumbling for things to occupy my hands. Our connection was instant. She knew it and so did I. At that moment I was probably just this sparkly play thing and to me, she was this adorable and fascinating little creature that I was inexplicably attracted to. That was our moment, albeit brief, but it was enough to start what would begin some of the happiest moments in my life.
We eventually connected through the power of Facebook and mutual friends. The first night that we communicated, we texted for hours. She was young. 7 years my junior. I really had no idea what she would even want with an old lady like me. But, it didn’t seem to deter her. And when I went even further and told her the details of my lifestyle, she seemed to grow even that much more intrigued and wanted to take a chance. We grew to love each other with a type of love that I had never experienced before since it was with a woman. For the first time in my life, I felt like things were how they “should” be. Or, at least how they should be in my ideal world. I had my primary. I had her. I had my kids. I had a successful career. I distinctly remember being so content and full of love that I had to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. She was a part of our lives and our family. It was so amazing.
Alas, a 7 year difference will really start to rear it’s ugly head when dealing with things like communication and patience. Having one partner who is sober and one who is not can also really create some friction. Having one partner who works incessantly and sometimes makes work the priority over what really matters in life can make someone feel unimportant. And when one partner struggles with being alone, it’s a ticking time bomb waiting to explode at any moment. The demise of our relationship happened for so many reasons that can’t be more blamed on one person than another really. But it certainly all came crashing down in one fatal swoop in a wave of tears and emotions. And since that day, I don’t think I’ve ever really recovered from that. I have missed that feeling of “how it’s supposed to be” since the day she was out of my life. I have missed her just about everyday. Even on the days when I was really mad at her for some of the things that happened.
As my partner goes on to have his own experiences, including his first actual girlfriend outside of me, I struggle with not as much the feelings of inadequacy but more-so the feelings of jealousy over what he has and what I want again so badly. In fact, so much so that it rips away any of my ability to even really be happy for him at this point. That’s a really sour place to be and not one that I wish to be for very long, but it’s the situation at the moment. I haven’t quite figured out how to get out of it yet.
I recently saw this ex at a show. We conversed and it was like cutting open 2 hearts and letting them bleed all over the floor. So many things were said in that little bit of time. And then, she was gone again out of my life and into the arms of another. It’s like losing a first love all over again. I feel 18 years old again. I feel sad. I feel confused. And I feel like that despite everything that was said that night, that maybe none of it really matters and it’s time to really pick up the needle and thread and sew up that space so that another person has a chance to hunker down and make it her own. My friend told me today “Think about yourself at 23. Would you have been interested in your 30 year old self who is a mother, an artist, a businesswoman, etc.? Other than physically, probably not. Generational differences are even bigger when one is younger.”
A fair question I guess…but, all bringing me back to square one and this question being posed to a woman who’s first love came in the form of a man that was way too old for her….would I be interested? Probably so. Do I say that because I want things to go in my favor or because I genuinely probably would have been interested?
Maybe…and probably…a little bit of both.
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